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Empire on Ice #34: Kidding Around




[Josh is working at a desk, frustrated. Silence is sitting on a sofa in the same room, eating a tub of ice cream with foreign letters and a picture of a goat on the label. Josh scowls, gets up from his desk, and begins pacing.]



Josh: Some weeks it's hard to be funny.



Silence: What do you do then?



Josh: I don't push it. The world will be funny for me, sooner or later.



Silence: In time for your Empire on Ice deadline, though?



Josh: Er…I haven't exactly been spot-on with those deadlines anyway.



Silence: Well, would you like to do anything in the meantime?



Josh: How about we count the number of popcorn spackles on this radical 1980s ceiling?



Silence: Already did. About seventy thousand.



Josh: You lie.



Silence: There's only one way to find out.



Josh: Maybe I was bluffing about wanting to do that!



Silence: I think you were.



Josh: What are you eating?



Silence: Goat kebab.



Josh: It looks like ice cream.



Silence: Goat kebab ice cream.



Josh: I have two questions about that.



Silence: If one of them is can you have some, the answer is nope.



Josh: First question: Goat?



Silence: It's a savory ice cream. Those are allowed to exist. It's really mellow, actually.



Josh: Second question: Kebab?



Silence: I like kebab!



Josh: I mean, did they grind up the skewers into it or something?



Silence: Beats me. I'd have to read the ingredients, and why would I do that when I can just eat the ice cream? Putting something in front of my face to read means not putting something in front of my face to eat.



Josh: Where did you buy it?



Silence: That's three questions.



Josh: I thought you liked questions.



Silence: I do, but answering them just now makes it hard to eat ice cream.



Josh: What if I bought you another carton?



[A light bulb goes off over Silence's head.]



Silence: That's why I like you, Boss. You always know how to strike a bargain where everybody wins.



Josh: Thank you.



Silence: Afiach told me about it. She's from some crazy foreign country with an umlaut in the name where this stuff is all the rage, and it turns out there's a shop down in the International District catering to umlautish expats. I go there every Tuesday anyway for dim sum, hot pot, ramen, wonton, sushi, mochi, and yakiniku!



Josh: Is that all?



Silence: And to manage my global shipping operations.



Josh: You have a shipping company? What do you ship?



Silence: Mostly diamond ingots.



Josh: I didn't know they came in ingot form.



Silence: Mine do. Dunno what's wrong with your diamonds.



Josh: Can I try some?



Silence: Already said nope. I didn't bring enough to share.



Josh: It's a 64-ounce tub!



Silence: Exactly. And technically it's two liters.



[She finishes the carton and licks the spoon.]



Silence: In the words of Gordon Ramsay: "Ice cream: Done."



Josh: Looks like you…goat there.



Silence: >=(



Josh: Come now, Silence. It wasn't that…baaaaaaaad.



Silence: I would get up and strangle you, but that's kind of hard to do after eating two liters of ice cream.



Josh: A shame. It would have been very…capricious of you.



Silence: Nobody's going to get that, and it's not even strictly accurate.



Josh: Well, I was only kidding.





O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!