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Empire on Ice #46:

Egg Spectacular

Part the First of:

The Quest for Emperor Josh




This week! Emperor Josh has been missing for three years, and the whole world is falling into ruin. But what can Galavar do about it?




Prologue: At El Imperial El Capitan Theater

[Galavar walks onto a black stage. The stage is completely empty except for a simple chair with a spotlight shining on it. He sits down, and clears his throat.]


Galavar: 'Tis a dark time since our Emperor vanished three years ago. Like Moses away on Mount Sinai, human depravity and other eschatological indicators have flourished in his absence. Biff is president in America. The European Union is crumbling. Snapchat filter body dysmorphia is an officially recognized illness. Some volcano's going off in Hawaii. Florida is still a thing. And you know that hole in the ozone layer? The one we all thought was healing? Well, it's acting up again! There is a pestilence upon this land; nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies—er, even the Empire itself is under considerable economic and cultural stress at this period in history.


[DeLatia joins him onstage.]


DeLatia: Yeah, who's even in charge now? I've got a parking ticket and a triple homicide I need to clear up.


Galavar: Truly, these are blighted days. And upon the lips of the people there is a question oft-spoken: Who will be our savior?


DeLatia: If I know anything about how this works, it'll ironically be the next person who walks onstage.


[DeLatia and Galavar look offstage, expecting someone to enter. But no one does. A moment passes.]


DeLatia: Anytime, now!


[No one enters.]


DeLatia: Well, we're fucked.


Galavar: Not necessarily. So long as an ember of hope remains alive in the least among us, we may yet prevail.


DeLatia: Get real. This is the end. The coda. The thirteenth baktun. Some hick in the countryside who still feels good about life because they don't realize that the world is ending around them is not going to be our salvation.


[Some rando walks onstage.]


Galavar: You! Who are you?!


Dave: I'm Dave.


DeLatia: [To Galavar.] Who the fuck is Dave?


Galavar: Dave! You must save us. You must save the world!


Dave: Uh...I'm just here to let you know they're closing this theater for demolition. The bulldozers are gonna start in ten minutes. This whole block is scheduled to be redeveloped into a Snapchat dysmorphia treatment center.


DeLatia: [Collapsing to her knees in defeat.] No!!


[Dave walks up to Galavar and gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder.]


Dave: Good luck saving the world, though.


[Dave leaves.]


Galavar: Lilit, we have only one choice left.


DeLatia: I'll go get the nuclear codes.


Galavar: Not that. We must go on a holy quest.


[Noble, epic music starts to play, and gradually grows louder and fuller.]


Galavar: We must venture forth, beyond the frontiers of the Empire, farther than anyone has ever ventured before! We must brave ice, traffic, and being outside for more than a few minutes at a time, surmounting land and sea, to the very corners of the Earth! To find our Emperor! To restore justice! We must we must embark upon—The Quest for Emperor Josh!


[The music stops.]


DeLatia: That sounds like work. You do know my position on work, don't you?


Galavar: We have no choice!


DeLatia: Fine. But I'm not suffering alone. Let's at least drag some other losers into this scam.


Galavar: Yes! We must gather a trusty band! Wits, mettle, charisma...a cohort of the finest, wisest, bravest luminaries in all of Joshalonia!


DeLatia: You mean gullible idiots who'll do our bidding and handle all the heavy lifting.


Galavar: Either way, I think we both know where to start.


[A dramatic flourish of music plays over the following title.]



Egg Spectacular
And the Tale of Sir Silence

[Elsewhere in the Imperial capital, in a large conference room, a bunch of exasperated, boisterous attendees come to order.]


Chief Eggecutive: This meeting of the Council of Revolting Eggs is hereby convened.


[The council makes a bunch of parliamentarian noise.]


Chief Eggecutive: We'll begin by reading the minutes of our last meeting. Ahem! In the UK City of Eggseter we hosted a delegation from the Bonnie Scotch Eggs, who have recently been in rebellion against Her Majesty of Great Britain. As you'll recall the Scotch Eggs had declared their opposition to living under the yolk of oppression and have recently beaten back the UK armed forces into frothy peaks. At Royal behest, this Council of Revolting Eggs intervened and hatched a general armistice. Resistance by the Scotch Eggs to the disarmament proposal was initially hardboiled, and for a while everyone was walking on shells, but after the UK government made concessions on Cadbury Creme tariffs the Scotch Egg resistance was over easy, and we all agreed to look at the matter sunny side up.


[A large round of incoherent but approving parliamentarian noise.]


Chief Eggecutive: Now, with the Albumen—er, Albion—matter settled, we come to today's order of business: First, a labor dispute in San Dieggo has led to shells fired. Second, due to reggulatory loopholes surrounding poaching, civil unrest is occurring in. Lastly, and most importantly, we shall discuss a solution to the eggsistential crisis in the Joshalonian capital and abroad, as a consequence of the prolonged disappearance of—


Councilor: Um...excuse me.


Chief Eggecutive: The Council recognizes the Honorable Member from Winnipegg.


Councilor: Yes, er...if it pleases the Council, I've been wondering: Are all of our meetings just egg puns?


[Disapproving parliamentarian noise erupts.]


Chief Eggecutive: Sir, I take eggception to that alleggation! We are a professional organization with a worldwide mandate and decades of eggsperience.


Councilor: Yet it remains that the world is in profound turmoil. The Egg Council can only do so much, especially if we spend all our time making egg puns!


Chief Eggecutive: It is true that, ever since Emperor Josh disappeared, strife has plegged the whole world, and the natural order of civilization has become completely scrambled. But that simply means that the Council of Revolting Eggs has never been needed more than it is today. We have a mission, and we must uphold that delicate mission like a well-risen soufflé!


ALL: Eggcelsior! =]


Councilor: That's what I mean. Shouldn't we get out there and take action instead of being here making egg puns?


Chief Eggecutive: As a matter of fact, the Honorable Member from Winnipegg has made an outstanding point! Let us bring forth our secret weapon. Members of this Esteemed Council, I give you our grand architect, the doer of our will, our voice to the nations, our binding agent, and our greatest operational asset: She may look softboiled, but I assure you she is completely gray around the yolk in spirit. Honorable Members, I give you our Direggtor of Product Development, Silence Terlais!


[To a great roar of parliamentary approval, Silence walks into the council chambers carrying a sleek briefcase.]


[At the same time, at the far end of the council chambers, by the front doors, Galavar and DeLatia enter, observing the proceedings.]


[Once at the podium, Silence opens the briefcase. Inside is a carton of eggs, which she places on the table beside her.]


Silence: Gentlemates! I've created a product so revolutionary that the word guillotine is being thrown around in the press to describe its consequences.


Councilor: That doesn't sound like a good thing.


Silence: Well of course a mere mortal like you would say that. My genius transcends folk wisdom!


Councilor: What's the product?


Silence: I call it...Egg Spectacular!!!


Councilor: That sounds like a dish on a badly translated Japanese menu.


Silence: I can take your slings and arrows!


Councilor: What is it, anyway?


Silence: Four eggs.


[A beat.]


Councilor: ...and?


Silence: Scrambled to perfection, with a dash of salt and pepper, and arranged on a plate to make a happy face.


Councilor: That doesn't sound revolutionary at all.


Silence: Hm.


[Slowly, Silence grabs the full carton of eggs from the table, holds it in front of her face, and opens it toward the Councilor from Winnipegg.]


Silence: [Whispering.] Kill him.


[All at once, with tiny little war whoops and pint-sized machetes, the eggs start to fly out of their carton, converging toward the Councilor. His eyes widen in surprise and terror.]


Councilor: Wait!


[The eggs stop.]


Councilor: [In an emotionless rush of words.] I stand corrected! Egg Spectacular truly is the most revolutionary and exquisite creation of whatever calendar year we're in! I wholeheartedly pledge my allegiance to Egg Spectacular and vow to uphold its sacred honor before all who would oppose it, so help me Reekris!


Silence: Eggcellent.


Chief Eggecutive: See? I told you she has all the answers! Egg Spectacular is eggactly what the world needs in this dark hour! There will be tough, rubbery times ahead, but to make an omelet you need to break a few eggs, and Silence here knows all about that. That's why she's eggactly the basket we can be confident of putting all our eggs into.


[Another round of parliamentary approval.]


[Galavar raises his voice to call attention to himself from the back of the chambers.]


Galavar: Ahem! Members of the Egg Council! Hear me!


Chief Eggecutive: Why, it's Galavar! And DeLatia! The Council would be delighted to yield the floor to you.


[Silence is surprised and amused to see them, and she calls out to them from across the council chambers.]


Silence: Galavar! Fancy seeing you here! I was hoping you'd never learn that I'd gotten an honest job.


DeLatia: [Sotto voce to Galavar.] This is not an honest job.


Galavar: Your secret's safe with us. It's you we came for. [Addressing the whole assembly.] Honorable Members, I come before you today on a great quest to find our missing Emperor and restore peace to the Empire and to all the world!


[The council members gasp.]


Galavar: But DeLatia and I cannot do it alone. That's why I am asking others among us to join me in my cause—including Silence!


[Parliamentary murmurs of intrigue and approval.]


Silence: Why, Gally! I'd be honored to join you. At a price.


Galavar: What?!


DeLatia: Come on! You'd seriously hold out on us? Get your head out of your ass and help us.


Chief Eggecutive: I wouldn't egg her on.


Galavar: Silence, this is the most important quest in human history! What could possibly motivate you to hold back?


Silence: You still don't know, do you?


Galavar: No.


Silence: After The Hero: The Motion Picture.


Galavar: What about it?


Silence: You have top billing. I have second billing.


Galavar: So?


Silence: I get shitty catering, a closet for a dressing room, no respect from the production crew, nobody takes me seriously, and did I mention shitty and entirely inadequate catering!


Galavar: I don't set those policies!


Silence: But neither do you have to suffer through them with second billing. I want co-equal standing.


Galavar: There's not enough money in the production budget for double top billing!


Silence: And I want a full-service Egg Bar on set at all times.


[DeLatia rolls her eyes.]


Galavar: I don't control the budget, or set the policies. But our Director also happens to be the very person we seek: Emperor Josh! Come with me, and we'll present your demands together.


Chief Eggecutive: And I assure you, Silence, that the Council of Revolting Eggs will fully reimburse the cost of an on-set Egg Bar.


Silence: Including deviled eggs?


Chief Eggecutive: Especially deviled eggs!


Silence: Egg salad?


Chief Eggecutive: Yes!


Silence: Eggs benedict?


Chief Eggecutive: Absolutely!


DeLatia: Well?!


[A moment while Silence considers it.]


Silence: What about turkey eggs? And emu eggs? And salamander eggs?


Galavar: You really eat all those?


[A parliamentary eruption of shock and dismay at Galavar's impropriety.]


Chief Eggecutive: Sir! I'll pretend you didn't say that.


Galavar: What did I say?


Silence: Never mind. We'll work those details out later. I'll come with you, Gally. I'll bring Egg Spectacular, and together we'll retrieve Josh and restore peace to the nations.


[A huge cheer goes out among the assembly. People start throwing eggs like confetti. While Galavar gets pelted with a couple, DeLatia rolls her eyes again.]




[That night, the three of them are sitting in traffic on the freeway. Galavar is driving; DeLatia is riding shotgun. It's raining outside and the wipers are on.]


DeLatia: That was the weirdest council I've ever seen.


Silence: I forgot to ask if the Egg Bar will have Egg Melts! Delicious!


DeLatia: You know...where are we even going to look for Josh? I mean, he vanished without a trace three years ago! How do we even know he's still alive? Or on this planet?


Galavar: I don't know the answers to those questions. But I know someone who might be able to help us begin to explore the possibility of finding a way to ask those questions better.


DeLatia: That sounds...long. How many episodes is this gonna be?


Galavar: Who can say what the universe has in store for us, Lilit?


DeLatia: Well, I'm not complaining. I don't get to be in many episodes.


Silence: I get to be in almost all of them! ^_^


DeLatia: That's enough out of you!


Galavar: Whatever happens to us, I know we'll succeed. I feel we are on the eve of a great accomplishment. A coming together of superlative minds, just like the Guard of Galavar in ATH. Together, nothing can stop us!


DeLatia: We're literally sitting in a traffic jam.


Galavar: I mean figuratively nothing can stop us.


Silence: ...Wait, does that still work if it's figurative?


Galavar: Regardless! Our next destination shall be—


[SUDDENLY, a dart pierces the glass of the driver's side window, striking Galavar in the neck. He makes an exaggerated HRNNN! sound, and collapses onto the steering wheel.]


DeLatia: Da fuq?!!


Silence: [Pointing.] Look!


DeLatia: Is that...Dave?!


[Off on the rainy darkness, the shadowy form of DAVE can just barely be seen. An evil grin spreads across his lips, and then, as Silence tries to throw a couple eggs at him, he flits away through the urban jungle of stopped cars and headlight beams.]


Silence: Who the erf is "Dave," anyway? He looks like a friggin' rando.


DeLatia: He is! He showed up at El Imperial El Capitan Theater today when Galavar and I were there.


Silence: Speaking of which, is he dead?


[DeLatia reaches over and puts her hand over Galavar's drooling mouth.]


DeLatia: Not as yet.


[Silence plucks the dart from Galavar's neck, examines it, then smells it.]


Silence: Just as I thought! Nyquil.


DeLatia: Seriously? That must be the prescription strength.


Silence: He'll be out for days. [Her eyes narrow.] That means it's up to us.


DeLatia: [Sarcastically.] Great. My favorite person in the world. You. [Then she points at Galavar.] Days? Won't he die of dehydration?


Silence: We'll drop him off at El Imperial El Hospital.


[DeLatia fishes around on Galavar's body and finds something unusual attached to the back of his shirt shoulder.]


Silence: What's that?


DeLatia: A homing device. Dave must have put it there when he clasped Galavar on the back earlier today. He's known where we were all along.


Silence: Diabolical.


[Imitating DeLatia, Silence starts fishing around on Galavar's person too, pulling out something from his pocket.]


Silence: Aha!


DeLatia: What did you find?!


Silence: His billfold!


[Silence helps herself to some money.]


DeLatia: Seriously?!


Silence: This ought to cover the cost of getting him to the hospital.


DeLatia: We're in Galavar's car.


Silence: I'll have you know I'm a dues-paying member of the Chauffeurs & Para-Paramedics Local 378. Unpaid work is theft!


DeLatia: "Para"-paramedics?


Silence: We're a noble breed. Outsiders can never know the regulatory-skirting burdens we bear.


DeLatia: Right. [A pause.] You know, I wonder who Galavar was going to take us to see...




[ELSEWHERE, in a foreboding chamber of glossy black metals, Dave appears. He knees before a large wall, where, suddenly, a blue holographic phantom appears. We only see the back of the phantom's head.]


Dave: What is thy bidding, my master?


[A deep voice replies, familiar yet also not, as though it were somehow altered, or garbled.]


???: There is a great disturbance in the Empire.


Dave: I have felt it.


???: Someone is trying to assemble the Guard of Galavar.


Dave: Yeah, that was Galavar. I wiped him out.


???: Excellent. And now I sense a new longing in you, Lord Dave. A longing for...something...more.


Dave: It isn't fair. It seems like everyone in this stupid Empire is famous for working on After The Hero. Everyone but me!


???: Patience, my old friend. Everything is proceeding as I have designed. In time, you shall have your own story.


Dave: Really?


???: Yes. I call it: "The Tale of How Dave Was There When I Rose to Become the Supreme Overlord of the Sovereign Empire of Greater Joshalonia!!!"



TO BE CONTINUED...





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O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!