Empire on Ice #47:

The Guardpact

Part the Second of:

The Quest for Emperor Josh

This week! Emperor Josh has been missing for three years, and the whole world is falling into ruin. But after Galavar tried to do something about it, he was laid low by the mysterious evil agent Dave. Can Silence and DeLatia carry on with out him?

[Galavar is passed out in the back seat of his own car due to last week's flagitious antics. In the pouring rain Silence is driving recklessly down a dark and winding mountain highway, while DeLatia is playing with the stereo.]

DeLatia: This thing still has a cassette deck!

Silence: That's actually pretty rad. He's got top billing on After The Hero: The Motion Picture—

DeLatia: Which you never cease to remind us.

Silence: —so he's basically a multi-zillionaire, which means the cassette deck is deliberately eccentric! And that's got to be the point: A few years ago it was just a nice little amenity in a car, but having one today sends some kind of statement. Did you know—

DeLatia: I don't care.

Silence: —that those old cassettes are actually really impressive—

DeLatia: Don't care.

Silence: —from an engineering standpoint? Even these little audiotapes. Some of the later-gen ones have really impressive noise reduction, and—

DeLatia: It's like I'm not even here.

Silence: —don't even get me started on the VHS tapes. Have you ever seen how a VCR actually works? It's actually brilliant!

DeLatia: I don't care!!

[DeLatia presses "Play" and a cassette tape starts playing in the middle of "Thunderbird" from the Thelma and Louise soundtrack.]

DeLatia: That's a little on the nose.

[Suddenly police lights and a siren appear behind the car.]

Silence: Dammit! It's the fuzz!

DeLatia: It's because you're driving like a maniac.

Silence: I can't let them pull me over. I've got like five prices in my head.

DeLatia: Don't you mean "on" your head?

Silence: No time to contemplate that question! [She looks over at DeLatia.] Lilit...we're gonna have to go all the way.

DeLatia: What the hell are you talking about, "all the way"?

[Silence holds out her hand.]

DeLatia: Oh no you don't! Give me that wheel!—give me that—AAAAHHHH!!!

[They drive off the cliff.]

[Fade to white.]

[A pleasant, pastoral flourish of music plays over the following title.]

The Guardpact & The Tale of Sir Gregor

[Rain is falling hard on the roof of Gregor's mountain cabin. Inside, he's sitting cozily in a great big armchair beside the fire in his stove heater, reading a book on Manitoba. It's getting late, and he's pretty sleepy and wonderfully relaxed, so at length he clothes the book, and sets it along with his reading glasses upon the table. Then he makes a big, pleasant yawn, stretching out his body.]

Gregor: Ah! After weeks of hard work and fifty thousand Jiggities spent, my brand new steam room is finally finished. Tomorrow I'll be able to light the fire, and let the winter bring what it may.

[Suddenly, the most enormous crash imaginable fills the aural space. The electricity flickers and some of his curios fall off their shelves. Gregor's eyes pop wide and his teeth rattle.]

Gregor: That sounded like it came from my steam room! Nooo!

[Gregor jumps to his feet and races through his cabin to the new steam room addition, which has been totally destroyed. In the debris is a wrecked car, and a very disheveled Silence and DeLatia climbing out of it.]

Gregor: What the—?!

Silence: [To DeLatia] Thankfully, this expensive cedar wood construction broke our fall.

DeLatia: Next time, I'm driving.

Gregor: How...what...

Silence: Oh! Hey Gregor! Is this your place?

Gregor: Why is there a car and a pile of rubble where my brand new, fifty thousand Jiggity steam room should be?!?!

Silence: Let's say it was institutional racism.

Gregor: I'm only a heathodwarf in the movie.

Silence: Exactly.

Gregor: I just...how did you? Where on Earth...? Are you two all right? [He sees Galavar.] Oh, God! Galavar! He's dead!

Silence: [Brushing it off.] Oh, he's not dead. He's just drugged to oblivion by some of the Empire's deadliest enemies.

Gregor: That's also very serious!

DeLatia: Calm down, Gregor. Listen, Galavar was on a quest to find Emperor Josh and save the world.

Gregor: 'Tis true, this endless winter since Josh's disappearance is a blight. We had snow two days ago, and it's August.

DeLatia: You should see the other hemisphere.

Gregor: What, is it hot when it should be cold?

DeLatia: No, it's flippin' perfect. They got spring and autumn, and we got winter and summer.

Gregor: Right. Well, does Galavar know where Josh went?

DeLatia: I don't think so. He said something about knowing someone who might know where we can begin our search, but he got taken out before he could say who.

Gregor: We've got to wake him up.

Silence: Won't be easy. The enemy used Nyquil.

Gregor: Nyquil?

Silence: Imperial Nyquil.

Gregor: Oh no. He'll be out for a month.

DeLatia: That's why it's up to us.

Silence: The Guard of Galavar!

Gregor: That's only in the movie. In real life we're very different people who don't really work together.

Silence: Gregor, you owe it to yourself to avenge your ruined steam room by helping us find the Emperor!

Gregor: That does not a logic make.

DeLatia: But she's right. Only by working together can we defeat whomever it is put Dave up to this.

Gregor: Who is this "Dave"? I've never heard of him. Well, I mean, I've known people named "Dave" before, but presumably not this Dave.

Silence: It's probably an insidious alias for something like "David."

DeLatia: What my esteemed colleague means to say is that I doubt we've seen the last of Dave. We'll need your help.

Silence: And your car.

[Gregor gives her the once over.]

Gregor: I'm driving.

Silence: Fair enough!

Gregor: Where are we going?

Silence: There's only one person I'd trust to bring the innocence and clarity of spirit that'll give our quest to find Emperor Josh the moral purity it needs to gain plot armor and indubitably succeed!

DeLatia: That sounds ridiculous, but I'll bite: Who?

Silence: Before I can tell you that, I have to swear you both to absolute secrecy! Do you, Lilit DeLatia, solemnly vow—

DeLatia: Oh, come on! What do you think I'm gonna do?

Gregor: No, she's right. It's the lawful thing to do. The agents of Dave could be anywhere. If we're going to work together on this, we should form a pact.

Silence: Or a consortium!

DeLatia: ...Or a pact.

Silence: Or a pact.

Gregor: [Raises his right hand.] The Guard of Galavar shall commit to finding Emperor Josh! Until then, everything I do is for that purpose alone. For the sake of the Empire and all the Earth, I solemnly swear!

DeLatia: [Raises her right hand.] Ditto.

Gregor: Lilit.

DeLatia: Sigh. I Lilit DeLatia do solemnly swear to commit myself to finding Emperor Josh, amen, so say we all, shalom aleichem.

Silence: [Raises her left hand.] When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the Earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's Emperor entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of humankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel—

Gregor: Isn't that just the U.S. Declaration of Independence? I think you need something more original.

[Silence sniffs at him in indignation, but lowers her hand onto her ample belly.]

Silence: I swear on the flabs I'll get 'er done.

Gregor: I guess that's the best we're going to get from you.

Silence: Hey, belly oaths are serious. Speaking of which, I'm gonna check out your kitchen while you're warming up the car. We didn't crash on the fridge, right?

Gregor: ...I need an aspirin.

DeLatia: [Pats him on the back before following Silence to the kitchen.] Better make it two.

[While sounds of dishes clatter in his kitchen, Gregor comes back to his senses.]

Gregor: Wait, so, now that we've all sworn to the endeavor, who are you taking us to see? Are we assembling the full Guard?

[DeLatia joins Gregor in the living room, munching from a small fruit and cheese plate.]

DeLatia: I think that's what Galavar would have wanted.

Gregor: But why are we going by his lead?

DeLatia: Because it was his idea to do all this in the first place.

Gregor: So, where are the others?

DeLatia: Well, Benzan lives at Galavar's mansion. They play Cravatman and Sparrow together.

Gregor: What now?

DeLatia: Like Batman and Robin, except non-IP-infringing.

Gregor: Ah. And what about Resh and Jemis?

DeLatia: You know...I actually don't know.

[Silence returns from the kitchen carrying a whole fish in one hand and a giant open tub of Nutella in the other.]

Silence: Nor does it matter! We'll catch up with those mooks later. I'm taking us to see Afiach.

Gregor: Afiach Bard? She's not a part of the Guard of Galavar.

Silence: No, but like I said she has exactly the kind of innocence and purity we need in order to have the sympathies of the Fates as they weave our little tale together.

[She takes a disgusting bite out of the still-raw fish, then scoops some Nutella out of the tub with her hand to chase down the fish.]

Gregor: That's revolting.

Silence: Oh, come on. First of all, these are yours. Second of all: Have you seen what wolves will eat? Just think of me as a talking wolf.

DeLatia: Ah, the DeviantArts are coming into my head already.

Silence: Enough blather! Let's get our wheels on!

Gregor: You are not taking raw fish and gooey chocolate in my Tesla.

Silence: What is this petty vanity? Did we not just swear to our quest to find Josh? That takes priority above all else! A Tesla's pristine interior is expendable for the sake of the greater good.

DeLatia: [To Gregor.] Way to name-drop your Tesla, by the way.

Gregor: What's wrong with liking the finer things?

DeLatia: Nothing. Just that it's an overpriced hipster status symbol that can't hold a candle to the Empire 9 Million Electric Megawatt Roadster.

Gregor: Whose safety record is dubious.

DeLatia: What is safety in an era without Emperor Josh, anyway? Rogue gangs push senior citizens down in the crosswalks. Trump rules in America. The Earth's magnetic field is suspiciously guiding derelict satellites to crash into populated areas. [She gestures at Silence.] And that fish is full of mercury.

Silence: [Silence, startled, looks up with a juice-and-chocolate-covered face.] The god, or the planet?

DeLatia: There's no rhyme or reason to life anymore, not without the Emperor. There is no "safe." There's only "right now," and "your Tesla sucks."

Gregor: Well, you certainly are your Emperor's model subject, I tell you what. Fine. You win. Silence, you finish your...snack...while I go lay Galavar to bed. DeLatia, since you love the Tesla so much, I'll let you start it up.

[He tosses her the fob. DeLatia awkwardly shifts the plate to one hand in order to catch it. She misses, and the fob flies down the hall and into the mountain of debris where the new steam room used to be. It is instantly lost among the wreckage.]

Gregor: ...

Gregor: FFFFF—

Silence: Do you have another car?

Gregor: Only the Pinto.

DeLatia: The Pinto it is!

Gregor: ...

DeLatia: Hey, look at it this way: We won't get your Tesla dirty.

Gregor: Whatever.

[Gregor goes to pick Galavar out of the wreckage.]

Silence: Won't he die of dehydration if we leave him here?

Gregor: I have a cleaning person who comes in every couple of days. I'll leave a sticky note.

Silence: [Smiling.] And you say you're not one of us. Long live the Guard of Galavar!

DeLatia: If not necessarily Galavar himself...

TO BE CONTINUED...

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